I Am Yesterday. You Are Present. We Are Tomorrow

At the pinnacle of life, you see everything and you know everything. All seem clear and problem disappear. But the experience is quite rare and no one could possibility be with you for real. When you need someone to talk to, suddenly you are already know that, from now on, you will possibly be on all your own.

And you missed them all.

From time to time, you will plunge into the darkness, deeper than the deepest. You would wish that only one particular soul will pull you up from the abyss. And then you loose your last grip, all in the blink. Falling and falling, you are: lost in the morning sun where the night has kissed the dawn goodbye.

You found yourself in another world. Another place to go. Another life to live. It will all be only silence and the sound of nothingness. As you and the universe collided, you will definitely live on with power. Still on the pinnacle of life. You power is endless. Your darkness is inevitable. Your dream is gone. And your life lives on. An eternity is near.

I saw her sitting there in the breakfast hall.

It should be a boring breakfast, similar to another Business-Trip-Sunday-Late-Morning kind of breakfast. Another big mistake of my connecting flight to this strange city in Taiwan. Should have come here by train. I may have saved this Sunday.

A tune of this old 80’s band keep ringing in my head. Modern Romance. It is a good tune for Sunday morning. Not to peaceful but also not screaming in a way. Salsa? Interesting. Ok, let’s do it. I drag out my new Dr. Dre’s Beat headphone out of my pocket. Red band wiring can make your dark long sleeve t-shirt look even better on Sunday morning. Plug it in and I hit the play icon on my iPhone.

In front of me is another boring hotel buffet breakfast: another scramble egg, another bacon, another French toast, another yogurt, another fruits and another cafe latte. This time it has a sprinkle of cinnamon dust on the top. Could be some how better.

And then my eyes look up a bit further than my own table. She is reading an English newspaper, intentionally. English speaking woman in this part do the world? Quite rare indeed. I spent my last few days struggling with the communication. A driver who can’t speak English at all dropped me off yesterday in front of a wrong unknown building. I was supposed to have a meeting with this important CEO of a large hotel developing company. I was late and I was in the wrong building. I got into the lobby and tried to make my route back on track. Another hour wasted. Surprisingly, fewer people in this country understand English than I could possibly imagine.

And she appears to be looking fine.

Not a Korean beauty type, I will say. Possibly in her late thirties. She is a kind of woman that you will not see her among the crowd. A faceless blank type. Her face is so tired and calm. The dress is casually white with thin lines that hang it up to her thin body. Her eyes are weary. A hungover from yesterday business meeting, I will guess. No ring on the finger. But not every Asian woman takes that seriously anyway. But there are something in that face that strike me. Or perhaps it is just inevitable because she is in my way of sight. Something about confidence in her eyes, probably. Experienced.

Sometime such an integrity can turn you on.

Still, she keep her eyes on the newspaper. But my eyes are all on her, intentionally. My stupid game is to make sure that I AM looking at her. Full concentration. What you are going to do with that, lady? Keep on with your dignity? Tell me this is not going to shatter you then. Your loneliness is crying out from the deep hollowness inside. Alone on the business trip in the centre of men’s world. And you have to act strong to prove to them that you have that men’s quality in you to be among them. Still, you are forever woman. And you are sitting alone on this Sunday emptiness with your pathetic breakfast. I can see your weakness escaping from the corner of your eyes. Your longing to be cuddled by a warm hug. A gentle hold on your hand, perhaps. Whatever you are lying about yourself will emerge into the surface of reality on Sunday. It is the day of your true self, as it has always been.

Suddenly she makes a move. She grabs a piece of paper on the table and a pen on her left hand. Something is written. Her number, perhaps. Or her room number. Or a piss off kind of a note ‘leave me alone your psychic bastard’. She grab that piece of paper and stand up, walking from that table.

My eyes swiftly change to me iPhone, pretending that I am checking my twitter. My heart is about to drop dead silence. She must be walking toward me right now. What I am going to do? No, it was just meant to be a stupid test. No, I don’t want to get a real interaction with any other people. I am indeed a childish introvert coward. I can’t even force myself to look up from my iPhone. That few seconds seems to last like forever. And then a shadow of a woman casting over my white linen table clothing.

“Would you like another cup of coffee?” And, of cause it was said in Chinese.

It was a shadow of this Chinese waitress. My eyes glance immediately at her table.

She is gone.

I finished my second cup of coffee and walk from my own table with a relief. My imagination could be my worst enemy. I think it always inherit within all men as a prehistoric psychological mentality to allow men to fight for the mating. A animal instinct. Men should all be moved from that to humanity, I think. A more sophisticated manner should kill all that thought that will eventually drive them to the disaster. A dark end. I made it through then. Back to the proper route. Back to reality. And I walk out from that breakfast restaurant.

In front of me, at the restaurant door. She was standing there, laughing in her white dress.

Still with the piece of paper in her hand.

My feeling was like I was half woke up. And half sleep. It could be a dream.

I woke up on one side of the bed.  The other side is her lying peacefully with her eyes wide open.  She is looking at me with passion.  ‘Oh my’ I spoke to myself.  I could give my life for those pair of eyes.  They are so big round and sweet.  Through her eyes I can see her love flooded. They are so tender.  They are so caring.

She claw slowly towards me and tug me in our blanket to ensure my warmth of the cold summer morning day.  Then a warm hug and a whisper in my ear.  I cannot make it quite clear on what she was saying.  It could be because of it was too early in the morning.  Or it was just my ear with this hearing difficulties.

“You need it too my dear.” I was trying to cover her naked body with the same cloth. “It is too early and it is too cold.”

She smiles. Her finger running across my hair softly as if she were touching silk.

“You already make me warm enough.”

And I run my finger through her soft long hair too.

“That would be a little bit too dramatic dialogue, don’t you think?”

Saying that and she was laughing gently.

It was a cloudy Songkran morning.  Not a very good year for the water festival then.  She told me the other day that Thai people works only eight months out of twelve.  We probably have every New Year celebration and holiday on earth.  We have Thai, Chinese and Christmas.  And we take it all in to a considerate excuses for not doing our office.

What I like about her house is it is just right across the small lake.  I have always been dreaming of living by the water.  The wind are always lovely in her house.  I didn’t design it myself but it would probably look very much the same: two floors with the attic, large terraces and lot of glasses.

Her dining table is my favorite place for reading.  My newspapers pile up for about a week.  I have not been in the office enough in past few days.  Islands to islands as usual.  But it has always been my character to read all my papers sent to the office.  International Herald Tribune and The Economist are very expensive publications here in Bangkok.  So I don’t want to waste it.

The smell of the coffee woke me up from the abyss of letters.

Her coffee is always good.  Not to strong and not too lame.  Just like her attitude.  I told her some few interesting thing I found in the newspapers.  I know she was thinking about something else but manage to discuss the topic with me.  We always have a fruitful dialogue in everything.  Every time I started my discuss on something and she always eagerly ask and pushing positively for more discussion.  She is bloody clever.  Probably one of the most clever girl I have ever met.  And naturally be positive about everything.

“It is going to be a good and lazy day today.”

I was saying that with a gentle wind on my face.

“Your sleepy face is so convincing for that.”

And she smiles again.

I could possibly hear the leaves fall onto the grass lawn.  It is such a quite day.  The baby bird in the nest call its mother for more food.  It had fallen earlier about a week ago and she put it back on the tree again with a new nest.  Now, she even named the bird.  Beautiful passion and kindness for everything.

Loneliness vanished into the beautifully quite day.  My new William Gibson book is in front of me with her sleeping on my laps.  I know that I will go through only couple of pages before I soon catch her up in our dream.  A summer day dream.

And she is smiling in her sleep again.  I can hardly wait to join.

When we stop seeking, only then that, we shall find.

Love and kindness.

But you don’t want to loose yourself.

But men are all selfish anyway. And they are all set themselves as a centre of the universe. Being a man is suck. They all breath in sexuality relationship and they are all greed to ensure everything around him fill up his hole.

“Don’t love a man just to prove that you love yourself.” I converted that from EAT PRAY LOVE. I regularly watch these drama movie on the plane. That is why my life has always been this dramatically critical, I think.

Or perhaps I am more to a woman side than a man.

I always make jokes that I’m always ready on the verge of being gay. My attitude towards love and relationship are somewhat man and more to a woman. I still have that selfishness of man within me but I fancy the woman’s idea towards love. I love the fragile thought of women that sometimes becomes unpredictable and irrational. I was found by the beauty of it.

From women perspective: men were not supposed to have a real heart. Men supposed to be a self-centred biological organism that keep a relationship to fill in his void. Sometimes it was for loneliness, sexuality, status or even recognition. Woman are the only species that understand the true meaning of love and we, men, are just helping them to get there. In fact, they always think we did our good job of filling their hole and not very in filling our own. Woman don’t normally accept the idea of man have such things as “moments”. They always rely on us as a logical machine that works when needed. We have always been a vehicle of her love. So, we are by nature, obligated to be kind and understanding.

And it has been worked like that throughout the history of man and woman just fine. Until there are some few men that became more a woman than he should be. Then things will started to get complicated.

Through a relationship, woman can get scared. She would scared of loosing herself: her dream, her ambition, her pulse or her energy. Many of them find their own way to get their groove back. Some just stop a relationship and became an isolated soul. Some just screw up with the relationship by flirting and having sex with a strange young man. Some might go to India. Some might do all the three. I can possibility understand them all. Well, except the having sex with a young man part. And perhaps also the India.

One thing that woman don’t care to know is men, also have that certain moment that they get scared. They normally isolate themselves by sport, cars, watches, vinyls or any other kind of toy. Or sometimes they just need to be alone in the forest, being with himself. Men, also, got scared to loose himself too. But because we are not normally considered as a sensitive type from the beginning, so we were meant only to embrace women and not vise versa. And one day, that certain man may act strangely without reasoning, from a woman standpoint, because we have been suppress with that feeling for so long. We would appear to be crazy and suddenly selfish. On the contrary, we will always think things had happened in the opposite way.

Only that men and women stop seeking for what they are looking for, only then, that they will find. Only when we stop seeking for ourselves that we shall find others. You will find love only when you least expecting it.

As well as the happiness.

I am about to plunged myself into a very deep deep hole. Not even light escape.

At least I am still alive. I might be quite smooth at taking my own life on the second time. First time you will do it with guilt and complication. Second time, you will do it without even thinking about it. It supposed to be a hell of a kind of sleeping pill, sort of LSD type. Five of them will surely get you crossing to the other side. Too bad I took the wrong pill. It was all antihistamine. Even its drowsing side effect cannot even get me sleep over for one day. I woke up at four in the morning with my hand shaking.

With my asthma nose became so clear.

The sky is so bright today, but I couldn’t find my sun. My heart is so dark inside and felt like I was going to be plunged into a very deep and endless hole. It is that black hole again: black endless hole. I still remember the first time. I did that is not because of trying to win back the woman I love. It was because of this hole. I feel like I was crush by this dark tiny hole that keep sucking me in. I can’t breath and I want to get out of that. The psychiatrist told me later that it is some form of depression and I need therapy. Believe me, the whole procedure of the therapy will get me no where but to make everything worse. So, I told him that I will decide to skip the therapy. Those drug will help you nothing but to keep you afloat. And a person of my type will be most frustrated to be out of control and live my life like a cabbage.

Now, here I am again. Standing on the edge of that hole.

Love can come and go like a winter breeze or summer wind. Relationship is all ideas about the negotiation on the level of freedom. When the issue of freedom is brought up on the table, you can be quite certain that the love is gone. Love, by nature, is a form of need to be obligated. So when freedom became the issue, it meant that we are no longer talking about love here. I still believe in love, but it might be a different kind of love that I have within. I wish my love will be light, clean and less demanding. Apparently, it has always been the opposite. I was so intense and serious about the feeling. I was so obsessed and consumed by love totally. Once I had it, it became my breath and my blood. Everything about my life will then became about my love despite my busy time table. I would forget about my family, friends and even work. I would always think of what I can do better for the woman I love. And that might became the critical issue. Sometimes I tried too hard and leave her with no air to breath.

And now she no longer loves me.

It was the first time I did that because of a woman. Because of love. It was fast and without hesitation. It was also very stupid on a glimpse of emotion. Lucky that I took the wrong pill so the situation has been less complicated. No hospital involved. I was only surprised that it has become so simple on the second time. But that’s it. There will be no third time. I am already dead. I even became more dead than a real physical death. I have already became that ghost.

Without heart. Without warmth.

I am still keeping myself off the edge of that hole a bit. Don’t know for how long. Until someone will pull me away.

I think her heart is truly made of gold.  But what she speaks only come directly from her mind.

Everyone is a slave to his or her own temper. temper are the ghost within.  Sometimes we have to learn to handle our own ghost properly.  Sometimes we also have to learn how to handle those of the others.

She drive to my house today, which is quite rare, but she did made it once or twice earlier.  Today, it was for the movie, which turned out later to be one of the awful teenager-sick-love-adventure-supernatural type.  There is something in her today that is quite different.  She was claim and uncommonly kind.  She had her full control of her temper.  She still made some curse on certain issue as usual, though, but it was done with gentleness.

She was absolutely gorgeous today.

I presume it would be quite normal for the sensitive type-kind of woman to be at her temper sometimes.  All the best woman does.  And because I am also very sensitive type, I was so moved by it.  Many times I was handling it wrongly with a thought to much of myself.  I have been such a selfish old man.  But who doesn’t, then.  At some point in time, we all are thinking from ourselves as a centre of the universe.

But my love for her overcome some few critical issues in my life.  There is something in her that I can’t explain.  It is more than a love.  It is a certain feeling that deep down.  It is very close to the intuition.  I can’t exactly explain what it is.  It is like night and day.  We are pretty much different, but only together, we make a day.

She must be a day, and I am absolutely a night: because I feel so much warmth in her heart today.  It was my heart that is cold, dark and moon-lighted pale.  I would only lit up and shine when she was around.  She is truly, an always, my sunshine.  And it always shine in gold.

I just have to learn how to handle this precious properly then.

I could hear the sound of the water shivering.

It was a perfect day to be on the river.  Nice cold weather of Bangkok’s winter still lasted a bit longer than expected this new year. Winter was never meant to last in the first place anyway.  So enjoy it while it lasts.

A river wind blew through her hair. Her eyes were sparkling like a evening star. I was quite worry at the beginning that we might not make it at the sunset sky. Apparently, we were doing good on timing. And some of my motorcycle taxi trip was worthwhile.

The last light of the sun kissed her face.  She wearing such a beautiful smile like I had never seen before.  Of cause, it might be because it was her birthday. And I intended to present it to her at the possibly best.

The wind did run through her.  Her dress was a thin green dress that appeared to be as light as the wind itself.  Her neck was exposed deeper than usual.  Perhaps because she is gaining her weight a bit further.  Her body seem to be a mature perfect.  Like a ripe apple that more than ready to be kissed everywhere.  And the wind does play the trick with the threshold of her body.  I felt like every part of her curves are fully exposed.  I stretched out my arm to hold her.  Our eyes were kept on the horizontal of the river sky.

The building was an old building builded in King Rama V.  It was originally design with Italian influence.  I can tell it is partially Venice Renaissance. And it was firstly used as a home for the newly wed couple: akin to the throne. A lovely peace of architecture with intimacy.  Now, the building was renovated by an architect and converted into a seventeen room hotel with restaurant and swimming pool.  And the only way to arrive to this sanctuary is by boat, as well as to escape from it.

A perfect idea for a perfect dining.

She thought I booked the whole restaurant in the first place.  No one else could be seen except those waiters in black shirt and dark sleeves trousers.  I was flattered by the idea but I told her it might be simply because we arrived quite early.  The last light of the sun was still hanging in the sky and kissed our cheeks.

Meats were our choice both for the main course with the accompany of the aerobic dancing sound from the plaza across the river.  I couldn’t imagine anything that loud could be possible for anyone nearer to comprehend.  But she took it positively.  It did even remind her times when she had to work in her career with the people who had lesser perception of life.

She talked about things that happened to her during her last relationship.  She talked about how a conventional lying of a man with a certain interest could hurt her: a guy who obsessed with multiple relationship.  To be honest, I would be interested in none of it.  But, since I believed the talking would be her good therapy, I always let it go on.  She even once turned on the page of her note to show me how much he loved her ex-boy friend.  It cut my like a knife.  I was bleeding and she wouldn’t even have a clue.

I see no point in explaining my previous relationship to anyone, since it always ended badly.  Sometimes it even hurt me so much that i would love to buried it before me.  Digging it up is always like digging a corpse from the grave.  It could be interesting but, at the same time, very creepy.

And the sun is going down completely.  Darkness eating up all the dark blue sky.

And then the glittering light of the candles were flicking on the beautiful face.  I think when people getting as old as fourty, the number of the candles on the cake is not matter anymore.  It was a very ordinary cake, I knew.  I wish it could be better.  But time is always my enemy.  The best foe and the worst friend.

And then something magical appeared in front of me.

And I saw her smile that changed everything.  I forgot everything about good or bad, right or wrong and happiness and hurt.  It had always been that smile that changed everything.  When she smiles, it is not just about the face.  It appears to be her whole heart is also laughing.  And the night was turned into a brightest sky ever.

And I remembered then why I loved her so much.

I could be another shallow guy who fell in love with another pretty face.  Everyone know that she is talented, clever and good.  Might be even rich.  But I always surrender to her smile.  I would do anything across the ocean just to make her happy again, and again.  A smile like that would even worth the rest of my life.  And that is all she might deserve to get: more smiles.

“Happy Birthday, my dear.”

“You are about to say, ‘I love you’.”

“I love you”

“I love you too”

Winter in Bangkok was never meant to last long.  So enjoy it why it lasts.

Sitting peacefully outdoor on a normal street coffee place. It is a nice cold wind around me in this city. Finally winter does arrive.

The weather has been kind to me lately: And so does love.

Sometimes when you have no formal obligation all at once, you can be lost in your own damn mind. Holidays could be good and bad for a person like me. I wish I could be more relaxing but I couldn’t. Owning a company does pay its bill. Freedom is virtual and always there is a piece of stone in your pockets. Throw the one in the left pocket away and you would still find another one in your right.

We drove out of town yesterday and it has been such a heaven. Nice cold wind through our heads, great food and a little bit of an ocean.  And it all coming back to me that love could be so good in a certain way. Only when we are truly together.

“Our land could be somewhere on that shoreline, you know?” She pointed her finger across the water, from the restaurant we were to the adjacent beach.

“I know. It is going to be a house with a larger walk in closet.” I giggled.

“We can have two separate houses then.”

“That is definitely not the idea of living together my dear.” And then I smiled.

Sarcasm is biological, I believe. I also have that in every drop of my blood. That is why I was so fine with hers.  And I was also so fine with the amount of food we had on the table that day. We both know it was too plenty. But we don’t do it everyday on an ocean like this. So let us enjoy this wonderful moment then.

She was wearing her sunglasses: almost a perfect round that look similar to one of mine. It could be a purpose or it could be fate: but I think we always have things in common. We love hats. We always text the same idea of word at the same time. We love cat but now she is more into her small dog. I could also say that we are both contain aesthetically appreciation. She love to draw and so do I, even though it only for a different purpose. And definitely we both hate to see ourselves in similar ways with thing in common. We love to be different from each other in a certain way. She loves detachment and I am always bound to the detachment by obligation and limitation.

“I want a separated toilet then. I want to spend time in the toilet”

“That is much easier, I think.”

Later on we drove back to the city and spend an evening together in the movie. It was our first time since we met for several months. It has been more difficult when you are older and trying to go to the movie, I think. Time is not always on your side. It was a good movie. And it was our great time together. Even though with a little bit of traffic on the way I drove her back to her home, things went so well.

I was holding her in my arms in front of the stair in her house. It was an intensive hug and kisses. I can feel body almost blend into hers and subside. Our hearts did beat as one. I realised then that we are both so in love.

“Merry Christmas to you my dear.” I whispered in her ear.

“No it is Kiss-A-Must.” She replied.

So that would be my first Kiss-A-Must with her then.

The nice and cold breeze still passing through my head here in this coffee place. I breath it deeply while it still lasts. The magic of the winter morning is still in the air. And so does love.

I’d better get back on my bike and paddling.

“I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sleep

Will I ever know,

Is there a ghost in my house”

BAND OF HORSES, Is There A Ghost

I was playing Monopoly with my children on Monday afternoon. It was some kind of public holiday, I think. Monopoly is the only board game that still connect me with my children. Ever since my divorce, things has never been the same. Monopoly is one of the few things that still connect us three; I, my son and my daughter. They are my only direct responsibility and I have never been good enough for them. Even worse, I will not see my son in few days through the next weekend. He is going to be in the school camp of some sort. So i tried to make our time worthwhile. The game was getting to its peak and then my phone rang.

It was my girlfriend.

So she finished her work earlier than planned. We were supposed to meet and I was excited about that. We see each other almost everyday. I think love drive that effort out of me. 40 minutes driving everyday seemed unlikely for me few months back. But now it seems to be quite normal recently. I put down the phone telling her that I will be there as soon as I can.

“I have to go.”, I told my children. “You guys can just keep on going. You can keep your May Fair and Park Lane and charging your sister like hell, son.”

“That is ok dad. The game would be finished when you leave. We can play other things.”

“Yes!”, my daughter said. “We can play Bingo!”

I turn my back to them and had a quick shower. Another few minutes, I was already in my car. The traffic was not that bad on such a holiday but still it tools me another 40 minutes to be at her house. And it was later in the afternoon. The sun is fading fast in this winter light.

I was standing in front of her house. She was not inside. I called few times but no answer. I started to get frustrated as usual. I am ok to be handle casually from time to time but it is not like I don’t feel anything. So, I was still standing there for few minutes until she rode her new scooter from the other side of the road. I was smiling then.

So I asked to try her new scooter. I thought I may need to practice with this machine just in case I would drive her around this community. In fact, it is a nice community. Her new house is facing the lake surrounded by housing that was planned in the early 70’s. It was a good planning, though. A market and certain commercial area nearby that contain everything you can think of. It is such a private universe that can be an escape from the real world. I was dreaming of moving myself here when older with ease.  At least when my children become less needed of me.

It was a rough ride on the scooter. I bang it to the footpath even once and damage a car a bit. I was shivering with guilt. I said I would pay for the fix then. Or perhaps I would buy her a new one. It was not a good way to started our day with, I think. She was kind enough not complaining but I still feel her upset through the eyes and action. I think my complex emotion started to roll over since then.

When someone got mad at you, ignorant became mandatory. And I would expect that as much as I could handle. I would not be that complicated inside unless my guilt was not too overwhelming. I hate disturbing other people even with a small thing. It is the same reason I don’t drive other people’s car. I don’t know why I have to feel that bad. It was a simply accident. But the feeling won’t go away.

She excused herself for a brief nap. I would be kind of understand that. So I left myself out quietly for a walk nearby. I was heading to the lake. A large sheet of water always calm me down. The sun is getting lower every minutes and the water became a large sheet of wrinkled blanket. And I started seeing things in black and white again. My eyes filled with tears for no reason. That is when I realised I was crying. I didn’t have a particular reason for that, I thought. So I stood up and walked back to the house.

She woke up already when I saw her back in the house and started taking care of her dog.      She always think that I had things with her dog. Even though I spent at least two and a half year with a dog with similar face of my ex-girlfriend, I could tell several difference between the two. It was just like a ghost haunted in the first place, though. But I always thought of myself to far sophisticated to judge two dogs on the same face to be the same manner. They are definitely two different dog. It was the owner of the previous dog that I had a problem with. It was the same sentence all over again.

“I have the dog and you have your children. I think that is fair enough.” And that was my ex-girlfriend saying. I don’t know it should be compared the love of a father to a love of an owner. But I took the comment deliberately.

I just think that, of cause, I took care of my children, but I never put it forward in the middle of any relationship. In fact, if they don’t notice, they wouldn’t even spot the different. It could be some pain to me but it has always been alright. It is a pain I chose so no complaint. But it has always been the girls who consistently put her dog into the middle of relationship. I would be kind of understand part of the rationale to that but not totally convinced by its necessity.

And then the phone rang. It was her sister long distance call. And it was fine she took that call. All the rationale seemed to be logical. But something in the atone of all things happened, you could still feel the ignorant. The purposely ignorant. It could be because of the scooter I broke, because her dog was slightly sick, because of I was annoying from my guilt, or simply because of her tiring from her day’s work. Or perhaps all of that. At certain point of a guy emotion threshold, the temper does, from time to time, arise above the surface of reason. Must be a ghost inside me that make me stand up form the coach and walk to the car. I started the engine and drove off.

I didn’t of driving anywhere far. But when she called, a ghost inside just said I was driving back home. Of cause, I turn my wheel back to her house but never expected anything to be the same again. I think someone was just meant to be lonely. Someone with a ghost inside. Too much of sensitiveness beyond control. And that would hurt everyone surrounded. A great love to be given to nothingness. Some kind of love that was, in fact, meant to be lonely.

And there will always be a ghost in my house.

All of sudden, myself bursted into tears. Then, the silence fall.

I don’t think most people will cry when they fall in love deeply. A massive momentum of complicated thought mix with joy and pain arrive all at once. You can feel your whole self run from the pace of the past and burst out at the present second. And the tears would be falling from your eyes.

I was holding her in both arms. Tears on my cheeks. A very unman thing to do. It was a shame that I was crying like a child. A child with a new friend. A man with a new life.

A new life indeed.

And suddenly all of your friends will leave you, especially those who only are with you recently. They would say how bad you are leaving them. As long as I remember, I’m still here. It is just me falling in love. And every life is just normally like that, I think. Concentration. It is not like love could come knocking on your front door every morning like a causal postman. So you want to feel it totally. Consumed by it. Breath every lovely moment in the air.

And burned alive.

But I was surely burned in heaven and not hell. It was me lucky with the sun on the island. Rain and high waves on the way in did scare me for a dark weekend. But few later days the sky seems to be more clear with fluffy white cloud floating. I love being burned in the sun on the beach. It could be my temple as well as my sanctuary. And I rarely find any woman who would also enjoy burning herself. This notion of white skin beauty surely make it big way in this media dominated society, of which my attention is normally against it.

We were both sleeping in the sun. Dark cloud passing by occasionally but hardly tamper us. Very gentle wind indeed. And the water is somewhat dark blue with shades of grey. Her hand was in mine.

And we were both sweat by the heat.

Time flies with completely reasonably nonsenses. Nothing more, nothing less. Do we need any reason to fall in love? Perhaps the consistence of fundamental nature of each other lives, of cause. Sometimes people do fall in love within their differences but still more could be easier with the consistence. A perfect harmony would always do the job. You could feel that rhythm in your heart. You would just be yourself. You don’t have to bend anything about yourself just to fit in. It just fit. It’s just moving along without much friction. Together or not, it just flow.

And you would also feel certain excitement in the flow. A harmony of the two surely bring the greater momentum in the relationship. Nothing to doubt and nothing to fear. You would starting to feel you can see clearer through things. You started to see pattern forming. You see the figure out of those cloud.

You would see how it begins and how it would end.

We both ordered a coconut for a drink: a cold fresh one for her and a frozen ice blended for me. Mine did give me a brain freeze in the sun. Wrong choice indeed, I thought. But it surely gave me a fresh feeling inside during the heat. From that, I don’t know how long we stayed further in the sun. Must be hours. But I woke up with her in my arms and we were both darkly torn by the sun. Of cause, we were both so pleased about that.

Her dark skin was well placed under her black bikinis. Only that the bottom part was a man swimming pants. A combination of man and woman in one dress. I think that is how we were each structured. A man with a woman’s heart and a woman with a man’s heart. I’m definitely not a guy type that watching football and she is not a girl type that wearing cosmetics. Perhaps she would never need any. She is already amazingly beautiful. Her body must be carved out of a golden proportion when she was born. A perfect model body structure. Gosh. I almost forgot. She is indeed a fashion model.

Now she were standing in front of me between my two legs. The sky is now became a nice deep blue behind her. The colour scheme combination in front of me is just amazing: her tanned skin, her dark swimsuits, her pale pink straw hat and this deep blue remote tropical island sky. I know this is how the heaven can be made of. You can see the pattern. You can see the past, present and future. You see the figure out of those cloud in the sky. You know suddenly how all of this will end.

And she bent over to kiss me.

The end of this is only to the end of this world. It must be only death that could do us apart.